If you were to design the perfect evening out for ambitious introverts, what would it be (besides the obvious, which is not having an evening out at all)?
As a hermit entrepreneur who works from home, I rarely go out and if I do, it had better be worth it! So as I dove into hosting my first networking event for people who’d rather hide in the bathroom, I wanted to know what would make an event more appealing and effective for someone who is introverted, socially anxious, or just not inclined to meet a bunch of strangers no matter how beneficial it might be for their career.
It may sound cute to set up a special set of circumstances, but it’s far more serious than that. Data show extroverts earn more money than introverts because extroverts are more often chosen for public-facing leadership positions. Our culture of “success” prizes the fearless, always an extrovert. I have heard too many introverted or anxious professionals say they can’t pursue their dreams of a big career or owning a business because they don’t want to be out there all the time.
Which brings us back to networking.
I don’t believe anyone really likes walking into a room full of strangers, but if you conform to the extroverted alpha dog ideal then you have to pretend you do, which is why most networking events are awful. So here’s what I’m considering:
No milling around time, or cocktail hour. I’m going to have ushers who greet guests who arrive solo and show them to the bar, or to their seat. There won’t be any time to stand around and try to meet people. One introvert I asked shared, “heaven forbid we should have to actually stand the whole time, alone, feeling like a dork.” (Actually, I think everyone hates that feeling no matter how old we are or how confident.
The ushers and I will work as hosts and introduce a few people to each other. We’ll even do our homework: if we know people who are coming, we will prepare who would benefit from knowing whom. This is a wonderful trick I learned from Susan Mcpherson, an incredible superconnector and also a Women@Forbes contributor. Mcpherson shares, “Because of my own insecurities, I go out of the way to make other people comfortable so that the conversation can go on without me, and people feel good being brought together.”
The program will start soon after the start time, stepping away from the traditional cocktail portion of the evening.
Set the Mood: Introverts I consulted focused on the sensory part of the evening, suggesting different types of seating arrangements, lighting, and soft music to avoid awkward silences.
In a seated event, create a setup with lots of small tables for deep, one-on-one conversations. “We introverts are good at those and avoid giant 8-seat tables like the plague.”
Kait Kaminsky, the Conference Director at Nationbuilder shares how her team has worked hard to make a big space cozy (in a 54,000-foot office space!) with soft lighting to make it warm and inviting. “It makes the room feel small no matter how many people are in it, which encourages engagement for guests and speakers alike.”
Main Program: The program will feature a small panel, set up like an intimate conversation. The host and guests will talk for 20 minutes and then open up to the audience for questions. This will bring everyone in and make the room feel like a conversation, but also “held” in community with ground rules and facilitation from the moderator. This is a tactic any good community organizer or spiritual leader uses.
Move the Networking to the End, and Facilitate It: After the program, the room will feel more intimate and people more comfortable. Now is the time for a networking exercise with direction. Here are two to try:
- “Offers and Needs” write down (Index Cards and printed instructions on chairs) two to three work or personal “offers” she has to share on an index card. It can include a new skill, resource, or idea you have recently acquired. During the group meeting, everyone stands up and shares offers and needs. Then, everyone is released to find their match.
- This idea is thanks to the team at She Geeks Out: Ask the audience to pair up (either 2s or 3s) and share a moment and a strategy they used when they felt they needed to hide. Then come back together to popcorn share, and discuss in the room.
The alpha dog image of "success" can prevent ambitious introverts from pursuing their dreams. We’re scared of vulnerability and experiencing moments that can send us right back to middle school in our heads, such as standing alone in a social setting. But if you can’t feel mildly awkward how can you ever challenge yourself to meet the real and sometimes extreme exposure a big career will bring? This is the challenge for the ambitious introvert.
While I don’t want anyone to feel they have to give up their dreams, I also don’t want people to push unrealistic expectations on themselves. For example: you may want to start your own business, but you’re afraid of public speaking and promotion (I used to be). You may want a big new job, but your social anxiety makes you shy away from its demands (mine does). These are solvable problems, and with some planning, you can become that leader, with limits.
This summer Simone Marean and I were on a women’s leadership to Israel together and it was under her direction that I found myself doing something I am definitely not comfortable doing: an icebreaker. In between acting like a bunny, yelling “Whoosh,” and pretending to throw an invisible ball to other women on the trip, I must admit, I felt more relaxed and strangely close to a group of 50 women I didn’t know. I asked advice from Simone because she knows how to break the ice.
Marean runs a nonprofit called Girls Leadership. She says, “Social skills” get a bad rap, when most of us could use some regular skill building. People assume that the foundational skills, such as confidence or bravery are innate, but confidence is built up as a result of experiences. For introverted young people, their experiences in a personality and popularity driven culture to diminish their confidence.” Sounds like many grown-ups I know.
The thing is, I’d never volunteer to play “Whoosh,” and I wouldn’t ask the introverts at my event to whoosh either.
In her workshops with girls, Marean encourages young people to explore “the idea that being vulnerable isn’t all or nothing, but more like unzipping a coat.” I love this, and hope that creating networking events introverts actually enjoy is a way for us to get a little more vulnerable without being stripped bare.
